why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm both gender and math confused
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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