Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
and you fell through a lawn chair
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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