Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
