One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
