My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
