why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
