peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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