sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm eating all of the evidence.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
