Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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