We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize