I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
