i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
