I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
