saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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