Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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