we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
