I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
