Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
