At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
