I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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