LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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