I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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