i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
