I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
