I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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