Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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