Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
