just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
