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I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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