he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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