I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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