Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
