1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She told me I should be a condom model.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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