I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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