I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
