she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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