You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
