Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
