So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
