I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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