If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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