I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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