We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
