this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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