Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
