I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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