Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
