I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
