So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Fuck appropriateness.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
