Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize