OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My ass is underappreciated
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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