I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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