Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
