Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
