Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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