she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My life is pants optional.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
