What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize